As we progress into 2013, I
  want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and
  have little chance of recovery.

 

  I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper
  towel, 

  nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying 

  about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

  I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only
  imagine 

  what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 

  I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving 

  because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

 

  Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
  only 

  imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

  I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it
  on 

  the floor of a public toilet.

 

  I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo 

  in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with 

  every envelope that needs sealing.

 

  ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
  reason.

 

  I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a
  bathtub 

  full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

  I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
  mutant 

  freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

  I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
  a 

  water buffalo on a hot day.

 

  Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered 

  if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
  minutes.

 

  Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because 

  it can remove toilet stains.

 

  I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the
  car, 

  so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

  I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes 

  seven different types of cancer.

 

  And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water 

  in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
  disfiguring 

  me for life.

 

  I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a 

  needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

 

  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
  drug 

  me with a perfume sample and rob me..

 

  And I no longer answer the phone because someone will
  ask 

  me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls
  to 

  Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

 

  Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a 

  big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant 

  death when it bites my butt.

 

  And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a 

  dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed 

  there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

 

  I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by
  the 

  Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

 

  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in 

  the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land 

  on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the 

  fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you 

  to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it 

  actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors 

  ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's 

  beautician!

 

  Oh, and by the way...

 

  A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, 

  has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity 

  read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

 

  Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

  P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because 

  I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.. 

 

  NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!